Mr BullyproofStop Bullying
by Mr Bullyproof | Follow Him on Twitter Here
In order to stop people bullying, it is important to understand how people are motivated to change their behaviours. If you are being bullied then, at the moment, the bullies have some motivation to bully you. They gain something emotionally as a result of hurting you. Emotional needs are incredibly powerful. All of us meet our emotional needs in one way or another. Some people use very positive means to meet their need and some people can be very destructive in order to achieve their needs.
Let’s take an example of someone who has a need for respect. John doesn’t have much self respect and finds that others don’t respect him either. His emotional need for respect is so strong that he will do anything to get it. He finds that if he intimidates people then he can make people fear him. Now he gets noticed when he enters the room, people stop talking, they cower and are reluctant to give him eye contact. This empowers John with a feeling of respect (perhaps false respect but as long as he feels the emotion then it counts). It may be irrational, but then, emotions usually are.
To make John stop bullying he needs to be motivated to change his behaviour. Pointing out that what he is doing is wrong is not enough. There is no motivational drive. Even if John fully understands what he is doing, then he is still motivated to bully for his need for respect. It will take an exceptionally strong counter-motivator to change him. He MUST have respect.
Punishing John for his behaviour may seem like a good answer. Punishment, after all, is usually a well designed motivator. The problem is though, that it may motivate him in the opposite direction. Many people gain respect for being the ‘bad boy’. Some notoriety might, in fact, fuel his bullying behaviour. If he is punished regularly then he could even establish a strong reputation which gains him more respect then ever. Meanwhile, everyone wonders why he is still bullying even though he is being punished.
So let’s turn the situation on its head. If we give John respect for behaving well, and if we disrespect him when he bullies then he is powerfully motivated to change. By using the very thing that motivated him to bully we can steer him in the direction we want. If the only way he can gain respect is to respect others, then he will learn very quickly. We know that his need for respect governs his behaviour so he has no other option.
Of course, this is a very simplified example. There are likely to be more emotions involved and he may gain his respect and other emotions from different people. We might disrespect him for bullying but his friends might respect him for it. To truly make a difference we may have to work with his friends as well.
Once we figure out what emotions a bully receives as a result of bullying we immediately know what will motivate our bully to change. The next stage is to learn and use practical skills that puts new motivators into action. Get it right and you can take someone who been bullying for years and be able to change their behaviour almost overnight.
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